Balmoral Beach is NOT a Calm and Flat Beach!!

Quite a few people have suggested that a great beach to swim in for someone like me who doesn't like waves would be Balmoral.  It's also relatively shallow and safe, with water that was clear and not murky.  So I resolved to ensure that this would be one the beaches I would swim in while I'm on hols.

I headed off at around 3:30 p.m. and after spending half an hour trying to find a park, I finally got to the beach that was to the left of the Pavilion and the famous Balmoral island.  The beach was crowded but not insanely so, and there were plenty of people in the water with a few snorkeling by the rocks. 

But calm and flat it was not.  In fact, I found the water incredibly choppy and the water murky.  It was really hard going against the current.  But I knew I needed to persevere - race day could well have worse conditions than today, and I needed to get used to swimming in waves.  I started feeling seasick after a mere few minutes into my swim strokes, and tried to get myself used to the constant motion by simply standing in the water and getting myself buffeted by the waves.

I decided to set myself some goals by aiming to swim towards landmarks on the shore.  This also allowed me to practice sighting - again, a skill that I still struggle to do without either straining my neck or swallowing a healthy swig of salty water.  There was a house with the Australian flag on a flagpole, so I aimed to swim from the rocks to the pole, and back again.  It was a pitiful distance, probably only 20 metres or so, but it was pretty hard going against the waves. 

I found it interesting how it was so hard to try and swim in a straight line in the sea - I would start in fairly deep water away from people who were in the shallows, and after a few strokes I would find myself amongst legs and feet as the waves carried me to shore while swimming.  Despite this, it helped to imagine a black line running along the bottom of the water - it helped distract me from feeling seasick.  I also couldn't bring myself to go any further out or deeper - it was after all an unpatrolled beach, and I didn't want to get in trouble and have to rely on a non-trained life saver to get me out.  I did feel a bit frustrated about being such a scared ninny to go deeper, but knew it was being responsible and conscious of my limitations.

It wasn't a great swim, but I'm glad I did it, and am determined to go back another day and tackle those Balmoral not-so-flat waves again soon!

Me and Bondi Beach...15 Years On!

Come take a trip down memory lane with me. It's February 1995 and I'm a 22-year old about to start my Master's degree in Macquarie University in Sydney, Australia.  I'm young, fresh-faced, naive, and giddy with the joy of freedom in a new country.  I sign up for a drumming class (of all things!) with my new-found Australian friends, and attend it in the then un-renovated Bondi Pavilion.  It's a beautiful and hot summer's day - I couldn't have picked a more perfect day to be at the famous Bondi Beach.

It is so fricking hot.  After the class, all my friends get into their swimmers and get into the sea to cool off.  I am so jealous!  Silly young me forgot my swimsuit, but I throw caution to the wind and strip down to my underwear (I was a size 12 then!) and jump into the ocean. 

First comes the cold. Aiyeeeeee!  I've only ever experienced the balmy 28-30 degrees C that the Philippine seas offer up.  Second comes the waves.  Jeeeeee-sus Christ.  I've never experienced waves beyond my knees before. I didn't realise they could get so big!  And third comes my christening into Australian surf - I get dumped, meaning I get caught into the crest of a wave and experience the washing machine effect that can only result in a scraped face on the sandy bottom and bruised pride (my bra magically stayed on!  Otherwise the humiliation would have been worse).

I basically didn't go back into the sea in Bondi after that one incident, and pretty much avoided swimming in the sea anywhere in Australia beyond wading up to my thighs.  Until I start training with Can Too in their ocean swimming program. 

Fast forward to December 2010, it's a bright, sunny and not-too-hot summer's day, and I'm standing in front of the Bondi Pavilion, in my Can Too bright orange rashie (so the lifesavers can see me!!) and ocean goggles in hand, looking out onto Bondi Beach and trying not to freak out at the size of the waves that everyone else seems to frolic and revel in.  I take a few deep breaths.  Calm, calm, calm, I tell myself.  I take a swig from my water bottle, and mark out where the flags are as I promised Adrian I would swim between the flags.  It's heartening to see the lifeguards periodically call out to the swimmers and surfers who venture outside the flags - they're definitely paying attention! 

I take a few more deep breaths, and I make my way into the surf. 

OMG it's freezing.  I tell myself to stop being a girl and keep going.  I get pummeled by the first few waves, a bit unsteady on my feet, until I remember Simon saying that it's best to meet the breaking waves side-on.  Duh.  Feel instantly more in control.  I keep wading in.  The water's now up to my knees and the waves are coming in fast.  Everyone around me (even little children!!!) is smiling and laughing - I can't quite muster a smile just yet, as it's simply not that enjoyable to me.  I keep going, the water is now up to my thighs, and a big wave breaks near me and drenches me.  Oh well, I'm really wet now, so I better keep going.

Simon said to go early into the wave before it breaks to try and not get dumped.  I try to estimate what early is and don't get it right the first few waves - bugger, I need to go further out from shore to where the waves aren't breaking to properly duck dive.  I check over my shoulder to see if I'm still between those flags.  I'm in the midst of a lot of people so I really shouldn't stress but I do anyway.  I keep going and actually start swimming a few strokes - all right, so far so good.

And you know what?  It keeps on being good.  After I get under a few waves and stop thinking about how cold and salty it is, I actually start feeling like this is a little bit fun.  I keep practicing with small waves, medium waves, and the big Mommas that make me want to pee my pants.  There were times when I saw those big waves and I just wanted to run away back to shore, but I knew that I needed to keep on going to get used to the motion of the water and the waves. 

Fifteen minutes in the surf (it feels a lot longer than this!), I'm brave enough to do a few strokes out to sea, away from shore, where I can't touch the bottom.  The water is clear, clean, and I admire the sun patterns on the sand.  I try to look for fishies (and sharks...) but can't find any.  Whew.  After swimming out a while, I look back and panic slightly when I realise I am rather far from shore and I am the swimmer furthest away from the crowd.  I try to calm myself down, push the yucky thoughts away, and decide it's time to practice swimming back to shore and looking back every few strokes to see what the incoming waves were doing.  Remember, the last time I did this and before Simon taught me, I screamed every time a wave came over my head.  I was amazed that after a few waves, I was back within the relative safety of other people. After a bit more duck diving, I body surfed in on a few waves in (no mean feat trying to to avoid people and boogie boards!), and decided I had a bit of time before I met with Jennifer K for lunch and thought I might be able to squeeze in some laps in the pool.

The iconic Bondi baths, also known as the Bondi Icebergs pool, is extremely well known around Australia and the world.  Never in my life did I think I would ever be brave enough to swim in this pool, as 1) it's an ocean pool, so it's cold, 2) is a bit murky AND salty as it's fed by ocean water, 3) is actually a bit wavy, which makes me feel seasick and 4) it's a bit deep and I freak out when I can't touch the bottom and 5) did I mention it's rather cold?

What I didn't realise though was that it is a 50-metre pool, and I never noticed that it was divided into proper lanes with the ubiquitous black lines in the bottom.  It made me feel rather at home, and in a funny way safe, despite all the reasons to be fearful of it (see above). And here I am, doing my laps in this pool, and actually ENJOYING IT!  I marvelled at how it really did feel like swimming in the ocean, with waves and all even a bit of seaweed at the bottom - just with the black line at the bottom and the safe feeling of being in a normal pool.  I managed 12 laps without stopping, and would have kept on except I was worried I was going to seriously late for my lunch date.  I never thought I would actually regret coming out of an ocean-fed pool, wishing I had more time to keep swimming.

As I walked back to Campbell Parade and took these stunning photos, I looked out into the surf and watched a few people swimming in the sea and felt the familiar twinge of fear at the pit of my stomach at the thought of me actually swimming that 1 km in Manly Beach on race day.

I don't think I will ever lose the fear, but I simply have to keep on thinking: I think I Can, I think I Can, I think I Can (Too!) do this ocean swim thing!!!

Bondi Icebergs Pool - the farther one is the Olympic sized pool

You have to admit - Bondi Beach is pretty stunning!

Let the Cooking and Fundraising Begin - Catering for our Work Christmas Drinks

One the ways you can fundraise for Can Too is to capitalise on your talents, which in my case is cooking. 

Clockwise from the top: My Mom's glazed ham,  my signature chili con carne and guacamole
and festive cheese terrine with red and green pesto

I offered to cater for our work Christmas drinks on the 17th of December in return for the cost of the catering to be directly paid into my sponsorship account (under "Tulloch").  I also thought this would be a good way to soft-launch my fundraising efforts into my new company - I was conscious that I was the new kid on the block (only been there 7 weeks so far) and people didn't really know who I am.  What's more, we had just supported four employees for Movember and had just finished our Christmas gift drive with The Salvation Army and fundraising for Oxfam, and was conscious of people experiencing "charity fatigue".

I was hoping that I could subliminally get people to start thinking about Can Too and what I was doing in the name of cancer research, and the great thing is the Australian Institute of Company Directors has a very strong corporate social responsibility agenda with an affinity for cancer charities (we support the NSW Cancer Council and Can Assist, among other charities). I thought wearing my bright orange Can Too apron and pinning up my Can Too rashie and swim cap on the cork board would be sufficient in getting the message across.

What I didn't expect was a fabulous acknowledgment from Simon T, our Social Committee Chair extraordinaire, at the drinks, and an opportunity to say a few words about my ocean swim saga and my auction off for a lavish lunch and dinner to the highest bidder (see side bar for more information).  I had a few people come up to me afterwards to ask me about the swim, and to express an interest in bidding (!!!!) as well as spreading the word about what I was doing and sponsoring me.  I was floored.  I also got stacks of compliments on the food, specially my Mom's ham.

Thank you everyone for your support so far!!

Postscript: On the 23rd of December, my catering gig got a small mention in our Intranet site, plus a plug on my Can Too fundraising efforts.  Woo hoo!!!

Another Breakthrough: Swimming the Course!

I can't believe I did it. If not for these pictures below (thank you so much, Barb Allwright), I don't think I would believe that today I actually swam the length of the 1 km Cole Classic, albeit in two stages. If I had known this was what we were going to do today, if I had even the slightest inkling that we were going to undertake this today, would have burrowed under the doona this morning and not come out.

The morning broke gray and cloudy. It was also really windy. I had this terrible sinking feeling in my stomach. Can Too trains rain, hail or shine, so there was no chance training was going to be cancelled. I was more cranky than usual as we walked the dogs - poor Adrian, having to put up with all of this.

I really and truly felt ill, and proven by the few trips to the toilet I had to do that morning. But I tried to keep thinking about my breakthrough last Saturday and how positive I felt about that. I knew this whole ocean swim was more a mind game than a physical one for me, so I had to keep on thinking that I can do this.

Besides, this was our last swim before we broke for a couple of weeks over Christmas, and I already had an idea forming in my head that I would try and swim in the ocean as much as I can while I'm on leave from work. This swim session would get me nicely set up for that plan, even if I didn't complete whatever training we had in store for today.

We had a bigger than usual group today as we were joined by two other training pods. I was a bit worried I would be left behind with such a big group, but was confident that the coaches and mentors would make sure we were all taken care of.  We all got into our groups, checked who was hungover or not as it is the silly season for parties after all (and imbibing alcohol makes it harder for the body to get warm, and the water is still rather cold), and then we were told what we were doing - we were going to head off from Manly Beach, around the point to the right of the beach, towards a "halfway" beach of sorts between Manly and Shelley Beaches.  Then, we were going to walk to Shelley, and swim back to this halfway beach, therefore completing what is essentially the 1 km Cole Classic course but in two legs. 

Oh...my...God. 

I told people I wasn't feeling the best, so it was known.  But I DID want to give it a go, even for up to the point, even if it's not all the way to the halfway beach - I just felt I needed to get into the water to just give it a go.  I stayed at the back of the pack, as usual, and tried to keep myself focused and relaxed.  It was relatively calm coming out of Manly Beach, very small waves, which made me feel better.  And the wonderful Coach Jon made me feel even better - he offered to swim with me all the way, as far as I could swim given I wasn't feeling great.

So we set out.  I focused on my strokes.  I was also trialling my new ocean swim goggles - someone told me it had made a difference to their husband who also struggled with the whole swimming experience, as he could see better and made him feel more in control.  I was dubious as I thought it would be better for me NOT to see anything, but I needed to give it a go.  Despite the goggles filling up with water from time to time (I was yet to find the best tightness), I pushed on, with Coach Jon and the surf skis close by. 

We rounded the point.  Coach Jon told me to sight a blue house in the distance to keep me on course.  I stopped a few times and treaded water to adjust my goggles, but so far I wasn't panicking.  I distracted myself by counting strokes, and admiring the fish and the rocks and the swaying seaweed.  At the back of my mind I registered the fact that even though we were at depth, I actually wasn't feeling scared - in fact, I thought it was pretty cool.  Seeing more with the goggles really did make a difference.
I kept going, and going, and going.  It was very comforting to keep seeing Coach Jon right near me.  I noticed there was only one other swimmer with me, also closely guided by another coach/mentor.  I kept going, and going, and going.  And much to my surprise, and before I even expected it, I was there - I was THERE at the halfway beach - I swam around 400 metres in the ocean and I felt GOOD.  I couldn't believe it.  I got out of the water and screamed - with joy and with triumph, and yes, with a few tears but happy ones. 

Yes, that is a very happy me!!!

Kath, mentor Katy and TC Josan clapped and cheered me on.  And pointed out I wasn't even the very last person out of the water (I was second to the last, but frankly I didn't care).  I felt on top of the world. And yes, this is what Can Too is all about - encouragement, support, friendship and achievement, and all while raising funds for cancer research that absolutely saves lives.

We walked over to Shelley Beach, and I couldn't believe how good I felt.  The rest of the pods were there, getting ready to swim back to the halfway beach from Shelley.  Coach Jon approached me and asked me how I was feeling - I said I felt fine and wanted to give it a go.  He said it was a longer swim, but I felt I was on a roll and needed to capitalise on this.  He said we better go now as the rest of the group would catch up with me very quickly.

We headed off, and my new-found confidence got a good battering - the waves were much choppier than the first time around, and we were swimming against the current.  It was also colder and the bottom wasn't as pretty and it was very murky so there wasn't much to distract me.  I started feeling a bit seasick, and a little bit scared.  I stopped and started many, many times.  The other group very quickly swam past me and I felt a little panic being around the churning arms and legs and had a flashback to my first panic attack - I had to work hard to not hyperventilate.

What got me through it was Coach Jon staying with me all throughout what I felt was more of an ordeal than a triumph.  I kept on thinking what Annie told me a couple of weeks ago - I don't have to enjoy it, but I just had to do it.  At one point I looked around and couldn't see a surf ski nearby - I felt I needed to have it as security just in case I got into trouble.  Coach Jon - at this stage I noticed was getting a little bit more firm with me - assured me that there was one behind me so just keep swimming. 

It didn't feel like that effing beach was getting any closer.  I was getting seriously tired.  In a fit of pique, I told Coach Jon I had had enough, I was over it, I just wanted to get out.  He very quickly said he had had enough too, and I noticed he sounded pretty pissed off (well, we were going awfully slowly and I was whingeing an awful lot - even I would have been pissed off with myself if I was him), and that the only way we could get out of the water was to keep swimming.  I took a deep breath, tried to focus, and started counting my strokes.  We were aiming for just 20 - I kept going to 30 until I had another wee rest.  Then another 20, 30 strokes - rest.  With all this stopping and starting, the white shed I had been sighting for God knows how long finally started looking like it was getting bigger.  And then I saw the halfway beach, and I knew I was close to being home and hosed. 

Finally feeling that pebbly sand under my feet was one of the best feelings I ever had.  I was so grateful to Coach Jon, and felt he seriously deserved a medal for putting up with me.  I was the very last person out of the water, but I made it.  I was tired, exhausted really, but happy that I stuck to it and made it.  I was determined I was going to do better next time.

Exhausted after the second leg, with Coach Jon (a Saint...) still there to make sure I was o.k.

As I walked back with my mates to Manly Beach, we got the news that two swimmers got into a bit of trouble - one got hypothermia and the other got seriously stung by bluebottles (jellyfish).  It made me feel even more grateful that I simply had my fears and my fitness to contend with, although I strenuously tried to not add the fear of getting stung by jellyfish on my list - my brain was full enough as it is! But I know with the support of everyone that is Can Too, I can get through this and I can meet my goal.   Bring it on!!!!

Arrrrggghhhh! Am I really doing this???

Well, I suppose I am because I've now got one of these...

But my hands are in a cold sweat as I type this...I still have absolutely no idea if I'm going to make it on race day.  Just the thought of seeing all those people lining up on the beach, in crowds, jumping in and churning up the water witrh their arms and legs, is making my newly-eaten lunch similarly churn in my stomach. 

What's more, I had a read through of the FAQs and the Course Details on the Cole Classic website, and saw that the 1km is starting in Shelley Beach and ending in MANLY BEACH!!!!!  Arrrrggghhhh! Someone told me (can't remember now who...) that the 1km started AND finished in Shelley Beach.  My hopes of not having to swim in surf are now dashed.

Feel panic attack coming...

I have to remind myself to take deep, deep breaths now.  I just have to keep reminding myself that I can do this, I can do this, Simon showed me how to work with waves and surf last Saturday, so yes, I can so do this!!!! 

Excuse me while I lose my lunch now...

Monday Laps at North Sydney Olympic Pool

My Olympic pool...

One of the suggestions Coach Jon made in one of the Wednesday training sessions was to try and really get our distances in this stage of the training.  This means that with me training for the 1 km swim, I really need to be able to swim this in the pool, and then some.  Coach Jon also suggested to try and get the distance training swim, either in the pool or in the ocean, over and done with on Monday, early in the week, before work and the busy-ness of life in general pops up various excuses not to go swimming.

I've always been able to swim 1 km in the pool, albeit rather slowly (my fastest has been in 30 minutes), and with breaks at either end that can include a few neck stretches and swigs of water. But swimming in the ocean is a totally different beast.  And specially for someone like me who is incredibly fearful, I end up expending more energy (what with the thrashing about, screaming, crying and other carrying on I've been doing so far...) compared to someone who is a bit more calm about swimming in surf.  The unseasonably cold water temperature doesn't help either - the body expends more energy trying to keep itself warm, so I tend to get seriously tired from swimming, really quickly.

So I resolved to do just as Coach Jon suggested and get some swimming happening in the 50 metre outdoor pool in North Sydney, every Monday. 

An interesting point to make - prior to doing Can Too training, I absolutely detested swimming in the North Sydney Olympic pool, even though it is my local pool.  I simply didn't like the saltiness, I didn't like the temperature (I always find it too cold), I would freak out when I would get to the deep end bit of the pool and hyperventilate, and I really hated the "lap Nazis" who would swim over you if you were a bit on the slow side.  I would always defer to swimming in the nice, warm 25-metre indoor pool, where all the grannies and the kiddies swim. 

But I knew that I needed to get over ALL of this, to try and get my head around this ocean swimming gig.  It WILL be salty, it WILL be cold, it WILL be deep and there WILL be lots and lots of people who will try to swim up, over and around me on dreaded Race Day. I simply just have to TOUGHEN UP.

To make the experience even more enjoyable, I decided to take the ferry from Circular Quay to Milson's Point where the pool is located, which is a no-brainer given that my workplace is just up George Street a mere 10 minute walk from the ferry wharf. 

And I have to say - doing my laps on this brilliantly beautiful day, with THAT Bridge within line of sight, really makes me feel grateful that I can swim, and that training with Can Too motivates me enough to go out there and experience all this.  Can't wait for my next Monday training date with myself, and yes, in the 50-metre salty, cold and busy pool!

Sunday Swimming at Chowder Bay

Happy me after swimming with my doggies!

Beautiful Chowder Bay with the doggie crowd

After being on such a high from yesterday's success with the surf and Simon's one-on-one lesson with understanding waves, I decided that I needed to grab every opportunity I could get to swim in the sea, regardless of the conditions.

I decided to go with the positive flow and get into the water the very next day after my breakthrough.  Adrian suggested we take the doggies to Clifton Gardens - a lovely park with an ever lovelier beach called Chowder Bay that's very clear and shallow and quite calm as it's wonderfully sheltered.  The dogs are allowed to swim in the water until 9:00 a.m. on weekends, and what's more, there's a cute hole-in-the-wall cafe called Bacino overlookintg the beach that serves pretty decent coffee.

There's also an additional incentive to swim with our doggies - our puppy Charlie has severe hip dysplasia, and would greatly benefit from swimming.  She had yet to learn to swim beyond where her paws can touch the bottom, and we thought she would be encouraged to swim if we were all in the water with her.

It helped that today dawned hot, beautiful and gorgeous - blue sky and lollipops as my darling husband would say.  We got to the park, and had a lovely surprise of seeing other doggie owners we knew from our local park St Thomas Rest - funnily enough but not strangely enough, all Labradors: Enzo, Cooper, and Jethro.  Baxter (our 10-year old doggie) and Charlie puppy naturally went berserk with their friends.

I waded in, braving the cold - funnily enough, it didn't feel as cold as yesterday and I wasn't even wearing my rashie.  The water was very flat, very calm, and very clear.  I plunged in and made a few strokes, and something weird happened - I felt good. I wasn't stressed, I wasn't panicking, I wasn't freaking out.  In fact, I was smiling.  SMILING!  I never thought I would catch myself smiling while swimming in the ocean.

Adrian joined me shortly, with Baxter (who is a practiced and strong doggie paddler) close behind.  Charlie was knee deep, looking out at the three of us, unsure about going deeper but knowing there was only one way she could be with us.  And with one little jump she was in the water and swimming. 

Once in, there was no stopping her.  Being a Labrador, she was a natural at it and we could hardly tear her away from the water.  The only thing was she was making these funny little grunting and groaning noises, like a little motor, while she was swimming!  I suppose she and I aren't that dissimilar, as I make noises while swimming as well. And like her, I'm hoping that with that little jump into the water, I would be off and swimming in the sea, hopefully as close to being a natural as I can be.  :)

The Breakthrough...

Manly Beach...and those waves!

After the harbour incident last week, I was incredibly reluctant to go back into the ocean.  Actually, reluctant is the wrong word - more like utterly averse to the idea of ever swimming in the sea ever again.  But I knew that if I didn't persevere, if I stopped turning up to Saturday training just once, it would be a slippery slope that would lead to quitting completely.  And frankly after ruminating over what Annie and other people told me after last Saturday's debacle, I was determined to give ocean swimming at least one more go before I quit all together.

The one thing that helped me get to surf training today was the fact that I had a catering function in the afternoon at North Curl Curl.  All the planning, prepping and cooking leading up to Saturday helped distract me from thinking about the upcoming surf session. I also needed to be incredibly organised - ensuring that I packed the car and left the house early so I can drop off all my stuff and still get to Manly Beach in time.  What's more, I wanted to get to training early, as I felt if I could get into the water before anybody else and get used to the cold temperature, it would go a long way in not taking my breath away when I first started swimming.

All went to plan and I dropped off my catering gear and the food and got to Manly in time for a quick early dip.  God. it was cold!  I do hope that it actually does get warmer sometime soon.  The Coaches have promised us it will, but it has yet to happen.  The dip and the cold gave me something else to think about instead of the impending swim session.  For once, Manly Beach had low surf, and I was worried that for the first time, I would have to swim out from Manly instead of Shelley Beach - this meant facing waves, and waves are NOT my friend. 

And I was right - we WERE swimming out of Manly Beach - a longish circuit around three of the surf boats that were positioned what I felt was a ridiculously far distance from shore, and then back into the beach, with waves of course.  I so did not want to do it.  I wanted to be sick.  I felt the tears coming.  I made myself stop and told myself to not be a sissy.  I angrily wiped my eyes and said to everyone that I had my quota of tears for this swim session and I wasn't allowed to cry anymore.

If not for my support crew of Jenny, Kath, Katy, Sarah and Simon (competitive ocean swimmer extraordinaire, who was there as promised by Annie), I simply would not have even contemplated going.  And it was HARD GOING.  I plunged in, and wanted to quit 5 strokes in.  They all yelled at me to keep going.  I didn't want to put my head into the water - it was too cold and too deep and too scary.  They all yelled at me to keep going.  I stopped and started, stopped and started by the surf skis - they all treaded water with me and encouraged me to keep going.  I told them to just swim away, to just do their own swim and leave me be, and they all refused.  I started screaming as the waves broke over my head as I headed back to shore - they all screamed at me to turn around and look at waves to see what was coming and I screamed back that I was too scared to look.  I just wanted the waves to stop.  Naturally, the only way it would stop was for me to keep swimming. 

I made it to shore after that first circuit and promptly burst into tears.  Of course, Jenny had to remind me about my promise to not cry anymore.  Coach Jon told me I could rest for a few minutes and then plunge back in for a second circuit.  And funnily enough, and I still don't know why, I didn't take up his offer to rest and promptly went back in.  And amazingly, it actually felt better the second time around.  I managed to keep my head down for at least 20 strokes.  I still screamed as the waves buffeted me as I swam around the surf skis, but not as much as I did the first time around.  The waves still did me in though - I was just so mind-numbingly terrified, I simply couldn't do what everyone else was doing which was look over their shoulder while swimming to watch the waves come in.  I just wanted to be out of there as fast as I could, without drowning.

I knew I couldn't make the third circuit around - I was too emotionally drained to do it.  I was spent.  And then Simon stepped in and offered to teach me about waves and just what to do with them.  The reality was that I was afraid of waves and surf because I didn't understand them - I didn't grow up with surf beaches.  Philippine beaches are very flat and very warm, so Australian beaches were an alien environment to me.

And this was it - this was my first ocean swim breakthrough.  For the next 20 or so minutes, I learned:

• That you meet a wave side on, not front on.  Makes sense when you experience it first hand!
• Just when you actually duck dive, and that's early into a wave, before it starts breaking. 
• It's a lot calmer at the bottom of a wave than above it.  And if you duck dive properly, you just pop up like a cork at the other end.
• You get dumped if you get caught in a wave while it's breaking, so best to try and avoid that!
• That a rip forms funny ripples in the sea, and that rips can be your friend depending on which direction you're swimming.
• Looking at a wave over your shoulder while you're swimming into shore allows you to see what's happening and helps you decide whether you should swim over a wave or under it.
• And it's actually really fun to body surf!

By the end of that little one-on-one session with Simon, I was actually smiling, and said the words that I thought I would never say: "I really enjoyed that!".  I think I probably surprised Coach Jon and Simon too.  Heck, I surprised myself. 

I still don't know if I can make it on race day - the thought of doing the actual swim still doesn't fail to make me want to vomit - but if I can keep on taking the baby steps that I've managed to make today, then I might, I just might make it!  I just might...

The Invisible Wall or "Yes, Ego is a Dirty Word!"

After last Saturday's rescue, I really am thinking I can't do this ocean swim. I really think I can't. I keep on thinking about race day and I break out into a cold sweat. It doesn't matter that people keep telling me that race day is a good two months away and that I will surely be ready by then. Unless I can get over the fears I have in my head, I simply will not manage the race.

All week, I dreaded the Saturday training session. Wednesday training this week was good. Again, I don't have any problems in the pool. I tried to make light of the rescue, but still couldn't stop thinking about having to go into the sea again on Saturday.

Friday came and I couldn't believe I wasn't excited about it being the end of the week - Friday meant that it was going to be Saturday the next day. Saturday was pretty gray, rainy and dreary. And cold. Not exactly ideal ocean swimming conditions but training would definitely not be cancelled.

The drive to Manly was wet and yucky - I was feeling sicker as I got closer to the beach. I had a few tears while driving, and forced myself to take deep breaths to calm myself down. I got to the corso, parked the car, walked to the beach, took one look at the white, frothy, angry surf and just burst into tears.

It didn't matter when Coach Mike said that the surf was too bad to swim in - we would walk over to the other side of Manly and swim in the harbour instead. It would be flat, calm, no waves at all. The tears still kept coming. I tried hard to put a lid on it, kept on telling myself to not be a baby, but for some reason I couldn't stop feeling upset. I couldn't even laugh at the ridiculousness of all os us walking down the streets of Manly in our bathing suits in the drizzling rain.

We got to the harbor, and the first thing we needed to do was swim out to a boat moored fairly near the shore, go around it and swim parallel to the shore, then around a couple more boats then back to the beach. It sounded easy, and everyone else made it look easy.  I didn't think it was easy at all.  I launched into the water and the cold simply took my breath away. I tried to get my breath back and started swimming. After a mere five strokes, it was like hitting an invisible wall - I simply couldn't swim further. It didn't help that the water was very murky, almost black - I couldn't even bear to think of the various creatures that could be in those depths.

Mentor Katy stayed by my side and encouraged me to just give it a go, just up to the first boat. After a bit of dithering, and a fair bit of swearing, I pushed through that wall and did a few strokes. I got to the boat wanted to turn back but Katy was relentless in her encouragement to keep going. So I kept going.  It was very, very slow going.  It was a bit warmer in some parts, but I was really freaked out with how black the water was - it didn't help it was such a gray day.  I tried to swim without putting my head in the water, but that just made me more tired.  I resorted to keeping my eyes shut every time I went under water - what I can't see won't hurt me.  I managed to get to the shore and felt like I had swum a much longer distance.  By this time, the rest of the group was back in the water already well into their second lap.  I couldn't bear to go back in the water, but knew I was being a sissy to just quit now.

The next drill was to practice sighting and to go a further distance.  I freaked.  I knew there was no way I could do it.  I tried to give it a go, and I hit the invisible wall again - five strokes in, and I just couldn't go any further.  The tears were filling up my goggles - again.  At this stage, Mentor Sarah was by my side, and she suggested we just swim parallel to the shore to get me used to being in the water.  It helped it was relatively shallow so I could see the bottom.  Again, it was slow, slow going.  At one point I was so frustrated at myself that I screamed at what a stupid idiot I was for being so scared and fearful and just so damned teary. 

I managed to do one more drill with getting used to swimming closely with other people - important for me to get used to as I tend to freak out a bit with all the churning arms and legs around me - but I just couldn't do the next drill which required us to swim in a line and chase/stay close to the feet of the person in front of us.  I was so slow that I couldn't keep up, and felt I was simply slowing everyone else behind me.

I felt like an abject failure.  Everyone around me was really supportive, but I just couldn't shake the deep feeling of failure that had me in its grip.  I cried on and off all day.  I was determined to get over this funk in time for the Can Too Christmas party that night - I wanted to have some serious fun. And I'm glad we went to the party - the atmosphere was fabulous with great music and even greater company.  I heard a few other stories of others who had struggled with the ocean swim and succeeded, and I really wanted to be positive about my chances of succeeding, but it was still hard for me to see myself on the other side of failure. 

It was a brief discussion with Annie that night that helped shed a bit of light through my fog of fear and failure. One of the many things she said to me which really stopped me in my tracks was when she said it was about my ego,and how I really needed to check it in. 

It was only this morning that what she said about my ego hit me like a ton of bricks.  The reality is I really like to succeed at everything I do.  I like being good at what I do.  And I really, really hate failing.  In fact, if I was really honest with myself, the moment I feel I wouldn't succeed at something, I would simply stop and abandon the effort and move on to the next thing.  I know that it didn't help I didn't grow up with surf beaches, and that I had a few bad experiences in the water, but the fact that I knew I was never going to be the very best I could be swimming in the ocean almost gave me an excuse to bring on the fear use that as justification that I would be totally shithouse at this whole thing.  I know I am slow and will never be seriously fast in the water, but that doesn't mean I'm still not competitive.  I stay in the slow lane because I am one of the faster ones in the slow lane.  I don't want to go into the fast lane because I would be embarrassingly slow in comparison to everyone else.

This lightning bolt of realisation wasn't going to automatically take away my fear, or make me suddenly love what I was doing ocean swimming, but to me it was a first step in changing the way I thought of this whole undertaking.  And you know what, I might end up learning something about me along the way.

Core, Blimey!!

This is a Bosu...

All right, so my core strength sucks - whose doesn't? Well, my colleague Olga certainly has no problems in the core department - she's even training to be a core class instructor with Fitness First. So when I read in the Can Too training program that developing your core strength was a good thing for swimming, I asked Olga about coming to her class sometime and she very kindly let me attend a special session with her and a friend.

I got to become rather intimate with this thing called a Bosu in the core session.  And when I say intimate, I mean my feet, legs, knees, thighs, belly and arms took turns in trying to balance my crap body on this thing.  In the first bit of the session, the main objective was to stay on the Bosu and not fall flat on your face. Even though I expected I would suck big time at doing it, I was a bit surprised with how well I was doing with the balancing bits. It made me realise that my thigh muscles were heaps stronger since I'd been doing Pump classes for the past year.

However, my brief feeling of cockiness gave way when we got to the hard core (pun very intended) bit of the session, when we were doing floor work and actually getting to do crunches on the Bosu. Not only was it hard to balance on the Bosu, there was no escaping making your core muscles work to execute the crunch. No amount of cheating by using other muscles was going to work. There was also lots of kneeling down, which played havoc on my bad right knee. So even though I managed to do around two-thirds of the exercises (albeit not fry well quite yet!), the pain in my knee was just a bit too much to go on.

So even though I still need go get my core muscles firing, I think I might leave the core classes with the Bosu to the more balanced people of the population. Now back to doing bloody planks, which I absolutely detest but as they say, no pain, no gain!!!

Drills and Diets - What NOT to Eat Before a Surf Session

Had fun at the pool session last night.  Despite being told to move out of the "slow lane" I opted to stay with my lane mates and Coach Dee.  I like it there! 

Word had gotten around my being rescued on Saturday, and Coach Dee made a point to say that it was a good experience for me to go through early in the training rather than later. She's very good at accentuating the positive!  But I know she's right - the next time it happens, I will know what to do: relax, keep breathing, float if I need to, and just try and keep calm.  Once panic sets in, it's a downward spiral that's very difficult to get out of, so the aim is to try and not get into the state of panic in the first place.

It's also all about getting into a rhythm with swimming.  The thing is, I have no trouble getting into a rhythm when doing laps in the pool - it's when I'm in the surf when I'm so focused on keeping myself together that I can't seem to get into the "zone".  I just have to trust in the process and be confident that the more I swim in the ocean, the less daunting it's going to be!

I am having heaps of fun with the drills though.  I am loving the fists drill (swimming with closed fists) and am getting a little bit better with duck diving too (three strokes then duck dive, repeat).  A hard one I learned last night was the breathing one - that is taking a breath every 3, 5 and 7 strokes if breathing out both sides, and every 2, 4 and 6 strokes if breathing out of one side only.  I've been challenging myself to breathe out both sides, as it's easier to keep in a straight line in the ocean when you can see from both sides, so I opted for the odd numbers.  It was interesting trying to rationalise the fear of not being able to breathe when it came to the 7 strokes bit of the drill.  It's such a silly, stupid fear that I get a bit cranky with myself for even thinking it.  But as Coach Dee said, the more we think we can hold our breath for a period (specially in case we're caught under a wave or something), the more confident we will be out there in the big bad ocean.  So more practice for me on that front.

We also had a dietician chat with us about what to eat before a training session and before a surf session and on race day. I got into a bit of trouble about nominating a bacon and egg roll (not 'fessing up that it was exactly that I was worried about chucking up last Saturday!), but it's really all about common sense. Cereal with fruit, yoghurt and milk is good, but best eaten 2 hours before a swim.  Otherwise, fast-acting carb for energy if eating an hour or so beforehand.  It was stuff that I've been over with Sarah (my nutritionist, also invoked as "The Wrath of Sarah" when I feel tempted by that Tim Tam), but always good to be reminded.

The aim is to now ramp up the distance in swim training in the lead up to Christmas, so I better get my laps in!

Drills in the Slow Lane is How I like It!

The best lane in the Monte pool!

Wednesday nights are spent training in the Monte Sant'Angelo 25 metre pool for us North Podders.  I have to say I love this pool, as it's not only 25 metres (the kind of pool I'm most comfortable with), but most importantly, it's heated!  It's a balmy 28 degrees most nights, and every time I get in I ask "why can't the ocean be as warm as this??"  Ah, wishful thinking on my part, of course.

Lane 6 is my lane with my happy band of "slowies", and Coach Dee is really the best.  When I told her about my panic attack in the surf the other Saturday, she told me that around three years ago she was exactly the same - and look at her now!  She said something that really struck me - that it's actually really good that the panic attack happened to me fairly early in the training, because that taught me a valuable lesson: how freaking out in the water actually feels, and what I need to do to control the fear.  I'm not so sure about the control bit, but it's heartening to know that I'm not the only person who's ever been scared of the ocean, and that it is something that can be surmounted.  Hopefully, one day!

Anyway, I do enjoy Wednesday training mainly because of the drills.  My favourite is the fist drill, where you do an overarm/freestyle swim stroke but with your hands clenched into fists.  You can really feel the difference between swimming with fists versus swimming with palms open! 

Then there's the breathing drill, where you breathe every 2, 4 and 6 strokes if you only breathe from one side, and every 3, 5 and 7 strokes if you can bi-lateral breathe.  I default to breathing on my right side, but try really hard to learn to breathe both sides, as it's useful to be able to see out of both sides when in the ocean.  This was a seriously hard drill, but great for someone like me who stresses about running out of breath while swimming.  Yes, I know, I stress about a lot of things.  :)

And speaking of bilateral breathing, a seriously hard one we did today was swimming sideways every third stroke for around five flutter kicks.  This is supposed to help us be better at breathing out of both sides.  It sounds pretty easy, and when I'm doing it on my right side it's a piece of cake, but I always, always sink when I try it on my left side!  Grrrr...terribly frustrating, but it's just one of those things that one gets better at with practice, and with lots of swallowed chlorinated water along the way.

But the absolute best bit of Wednesday training is that it becomes a bit of a "date night" for me and Adrian, as training finishes around 8:00 p.m. and it's a bit too late to go home and cook dinner.  It was a great chance to eat at an old local favourite Lebanese restaurant (Safi) last night, and walk home hand-in-hand.  Awwwww...

Look Ma, No Stopping!

One of the challenges Coach Jon gave us was to be able to swim the length of our goal distance without stopping - that is, swim 1 km in the pool without pausing or resting in between.

Now I know I can swim 1km in the pool and have done many times. But that includes small rests at the end of the pool, complete with stretches and slugs of water from my water bottle. How in the world could I possibly do it without stopping? Well, I gave it a go and managed to swim 600 metros without stopping today. I was pretty exhausted after that, but at least I gave it a go! Let's see how far I can go next time...

Tears and Fears

Shelly Beach - when it's calm and flat!!!

Second surf training session at Manly today, and I was not looking forward to it. I was assiduously avoiding looking at the weather and tide forecasts, only to accidentally see a newspaper article on Thursday that the water temperature was at least two degrees lower than normal. Great.

Actually seeing the rolling surf this morning did not inspire any more confidence. I could feel the bacon and egg sandwich I had for breakfast slowly roiling in my stomach, and I prayed I didn't end up chucking it all up. Our Coach pointed out that the rips were pretty bad today  - he kept pointing to where the rips were supposed to be and I tried to look knowledgeable enough by nodding with everyone else, while thinking "I have no idea what he's pointing out - what the heck does a rip look like anyway???!!!"

We ended up walking to Shelley Beach to do our drill swims, and that made me feel a little bit better. It already felt a little familiar, after my one other ocean swim experience! I squared my shoulders, popped my orange Can Too swim cap on, put on my goggles, zipped up my rashie, and told myself - I can do this!

We were warned the water was cold. It was actually more than cold - it was bloody freezing. But after a few strokes I felt pretty good, and made myself think I was simply in the pool (with seaweed, and fishies), just doing my laps.

My first lap around went well, and I jumped right back in for the second round. That's when I realised I was feeling a tad seasick. The waves were coming in a bit high and fast, and although they weren't breaking around me, I was being buffeted enough to feel a bit queasy. I also had trouble sighting where I was going and kept on going wide of the surf skis that we needed to swim around. And all of this while I watched almost every single one of my fellow Can Too swimmers pass me. I reminded myself I wasn't racing anybody, that I didn't have to go fast, it was all in my own pace etc. etc., but it still frustrated me at how slow I felt swimming in the sea. So different to being in the pool!

We then practiced duck diving under the surf skis, which was surprisingly fun and easy, considering I am - not putting a too fine point on it - rather buoyant with my big bosoms.

Maybe I was just feeling a bit too confident that I didn't freak out too much when we were told we were going a lot further out than I had ever been in the ocean, where we would then tread water then head back to Shelley Beach. I knew I was going to struggle when on the way out, I started freaking out with the waves coming in over my head. Mentor Katy saw me starting to freak and scream, so we swam a bit then rested, then swam some more. I kept on telling myself to keep calm and breathe, but it was seriously hard.  I tried to distract myself with sighting the police boat that was alongside us, watching our goings on, but all I could think about were how the waves just didn't stop.

We got to where the others were treading water, and then the signal came to swim back.  From being in the back of the pack, I was all of a sudden in the front, and I got caught in a tangled mass of arms and legs swimming to shore.  The washing machine feeling was intensified with the continuous waves, and I simply just lost it - I screamed and shouted "HELP!"  Within seconds Coach Mike was there with the Can Too gals on surf skis, and I held on for dear life, with my eyes shut and madly panting, trying to get more oxygen into my lungs.  I kept on telling myself I was fine, it was just the waves, and after a bit of this I felt good enough to start swimming back to shore.  When I finally got there, I saw Jenny's friendly face with a few other swimmers, and it was all a bit too much so I burst into tears and ran snot all over Jenny's swimsuit. 

I can laugh about it now, but I was kept on tearing over the weekend up every time I thought about what it was like swimming with those waves.  I continue to have serious doubts about getting through the training, but just have to keep reminding myself who I'm doing this for and why.  Let's see what next Saturday's surf session is going to bring!

My Very First Ocean Swim Session - Jetlagged!!



Simon, me and Jenny in Manly.  My very first ocean swim training session!!!

 Two and a half hours after landing in Sydney airport, after close to 21 hours of flying from New York, I was in the water, in Manly, doing my very first ocean swim - ever.

I think if I had the chance to think about what I was going to do this morning, I probably would not have gone.  But we had no idea how quickly we would clear customs and how fast we would get home.  Adrian nonchalantly mentioned that I probably had time to make it to the 10:00 a.m. surf training session in Manly.  So the first thing I did when I dropped my bags at home was peel off the clothes I had been wearing for over a day and slip into my bathing suit.  As I had already missed the first surf session, and was going to miss next week's, I thought it would be a good idea to just take the plunge (pardon the pun) and get my first surf session over and done with. 

It didn't really occur to me to be scared - you see, I don't really like swimming in the sea.  I just don't.  I'm a confident enough swimmer in the pool (albeit it needs to be a 25 metre warm pool where I can touch the bottom with my feet!), but I drew the line at swimming in the unknown and uncontrollable ocean.  Besides, it was my very surf session, I hadn't even attended a pool session yet (we were in New York when the program started - Adrian ran the New York marathon, and he is an example of just how Can Too can change someone's life: this only happens to be his third marathon in 14 months!), so surely they wouldn't get me swimming straight away, right? Ha, goes to show you how much I know!

I got to the session late, but the wonderful Claire was there as energy champion and she luckily recognised me from my red FitFlops.  She said the group had just headed to Shelley Beach and I wasn't that far behind.  I headed off the pathway, and I had my first glimpse of the wavy water that I knew I had to swim in one day.  Surely, it wouldn't be today...

I got to Manly Beach and gave a few people a bit of a surprise, as I wasn't expected to be in training until at least next week.  The team was in the water, swimming out to surf skis that were what I felt was a substantial distance from the beach.  Simon (Annie's hubby and competitive ocean swimmer extraordinaire) spotted me and offered to swim with me.  Right - so I was going to swim, today.  I tried to tell him I was jet lagged, Oh, and in my haste to get to Shelley Beach I left my goggles and ear plugs in my bag.  Oh darn.  Surely I couldn't swim now!  But Simon very kindly handed me his goggles and encouraged me to plunge in.  Bugger.  I also knew that I would look really stupid being the only person not in the water.  So fine, I plunged in.

Oh my God, it's cold!!!  Simon told me slowly get myself used to the temperature, and after a few minutes I plunged in.  I managed four strokes and went up for air - my chest felt so cold, I found it hard to breathe.  After a few more strokes I was already struggling with my breathing and I was seriously slowing down.  I didn't feel too bad, but I couldn't believe how slow I was going.  I am not the fastest swimmer in the world (and will never be), but surely I thought I would be faster than Nanna pace.   Simon assured me that the cold temperature makes me work harder, so no wonder it was a bit hard going at first.

I got to the first surf ski, and felt I needed to have a wee rest and tread water a bit.  I couldn't stay long though, as other people were streaming in around the surf skis and this was probably the worst place to rest.  Simon encouraged me to keep going to the next surf ski, and before I knew it we were heading to shore.  It was so much easier swimming with the current to get back to the beach!  And then it was round 2 - back into the water to do the circuit again.  I couldn't believe it - surely they wouldn't make me swim AGAIN???  I was in a plane a mere few hours ago...besides, my ears were hurting as I had swum without my ear plugs.  But one of the other Mentors very kindly lent me her ear plugs. Bugger, another excuse I couldn't give. I thought it would make me look churlish to refuse such a generous offer, so the least I could do would be to give the swim another go.

Funnily enough, it was a bit easier the second time around.  But I realised the waves were pretty choppy, and I was feeling a bit nauseous and seasick as I got a bit moved around by the waves.  Logically I knew this was part of the whole ocean swimming thing, but that didn't mean I had to like it!  Thankfully I got to the surf skis and from there it was heaps easier to get to shore.

After this swim, I was pretty tired so I sat out the rest of the session.  But I was so GLAD I came - I was made to feel incredibly welcome, even though I had missed a few training sessions, and I was very much looking forward to the training ahead.  Go Can Too!!!!!!